Daily Devotional: 4/9/2019 - RED LETTERS
"There I was on death row, Guilty in the
first degree, Son of God hanging on a hill, Hell was my destiny." Red
Letters by Crowder
It has
been a while since I have posted, since January to be exact. There has been a
lot going on, both in the present and physical world but also behind the scene
in the spiritual realms. I have been so busy with baseball and finishing my
college career. I am so busy with making sure I have a successful senior season
on and off the baseball, and maybe that is why I have been battling and
struggling in my spiritual life. I have been battling physical and mental
fatigue, I have been struggling to find time and motivation to do much at all.
I have spent so much time just laying in my bed and just playing video games or
just mingling with the gods of social media. More than anything I have been
struggling to find time.
- Meanwhile even though I have been struggling to find time I have been taking notes and studying. I have been coming up with numerous ideas of where I want to go and what I want to write and do. Summer 2019 and Fall of 2019, Lord willing, is going to be insane.
- I have been struggling so hard mentally, but I am learning and kicking.
Testify
tes·ti·fy
/ˈtestəˌfī/
to be the proof or evidence that something exists
Every week
(except for the 7th week), there is a Christian artist J. Monty releases a
"Testify" video. This is has been very impactful and something that I
looked forward to every Tuesday (ironic?). God has given me a voice and has
given a platform to testify. Who am I not to use it?
- Everyone shares the good, but they rarely share the bad. Today I am going to show you everything, the good and the bad. If we only share and talk about the good, how can anyone grow?
Today, 2
years ago today I accepted Jesus into my life. This is was the greatest
decision of my life. Here is a revised version of my testimony. I title it
after an album that just released and was a huge motivator for me recently, Once In A Dry Season.
My Testimony (Chapter 2 - Once In A
Dry Season):
Before I accepted Christ into my
life, there was so many different mental issues that I battled on a daily basis.
I dealt with constant depression and anxiety, meanwhile I tried everything to
find an identity. Through not having the right state of mind and trying to find
who Chris Colotti is, I battled suicidal thoughts. There was not a day that I
did not want or think about killing myself. Growing up I spent a lot of time
being by myself. I was that kid that walked down the hallways alone with my
headphones in, avoiding eye contact. I was not a popular kid by any means, but
I was not someone that slipped away from the popular scene, people knew who I was,
and I knew who people were; I just rarely, if at all, did not associate myself
with them outside of school. I played baseball my entire life, this is where I
found most of my identity, this is how people knew who I was. In high school,
there was four of Colottis around the same age, two of my cousins, my sister,
and myself. We all played sports and we were all good and known for our sports,
from soccer to football to basketball to baseball and softball, we played it
all. Meanwhile, when I was trying to find my own identity outside of my last
name and my sport I was constantly being rejected and outcasted. I was bullied starting
at a young age, but also, I was a bully. Before Christ, I battled so many
different emotional battles which led me trying to find control. Where I found
control in what I did, was in my addiction to porn. I could never get a girl to
like me the same way I liked them, never less get them to be my girlfriend; so,
I fell for the digital pleasure of pornography. Growing up I did not have much
of a spiritual stability. I grew up physically going to church, but I was never
mentally there. It was the same when I went to CCD, I was always talking, did other
homework, and always got in trouble. I knew of God, but I did not know God. I
knew he was there, but I did not know him personally. I wore the cross and I
would give the sign of the cross after hitting a home run, but it was all fake.
I did not live for Jesus.
My journey all started my freshman
year of college, I went to Dominican College to play baseball. However, God had
a different plan. Even though the coaches convinced and told my dad and I that
I would be on the baseball team, when it came to the end of the tryouts my name
was not on the roster. I was devasted, I did not know what to do. Baseball was
my life; it was my god. All I wanted to do was play baseball, it was something I
dedicated my entire life to it. Before the list was posted, I was in the shower
and prayed the typical “if you do this, I will go to church, and I will be good”
prayers (which God showed me that it was in his time). As soon as I saw the
list my heart sunk and fell to my toes, I bursted into tears and called my
parents. I called them apologizing, thinking that I failed them. After collecting
my composer, I immediately started to search for new colleges, I mass emailed coaches,
updated my recruiting profile, talked to coaches left and right, and eventually
went on a handful of visits. When it came down to it, it was down to two colleges.
It was between a D3 school in Iowa, who told me I would be the starting first
basemen and hitting in the middle of a lineup as a freshman and my current
college (Nyack College) who told me that I would be on the team, but had to work
for my spot. After several “prayers” and visiting my grandpa’s grave, I chose
Nyack College. I chose Nyack College due to the fact that I love the challenge of
having to earn my spot, it was close to home (not 18 hours away) but far enough
away that I was not home, and it was a Christian college. I wanted to get to know
God more, and I did it for more my grandma and grandpa. Therefore, I was looking
forward to the religious classes that they offered. During my first semester
there, we had team Bible Studies; which I went to every single one. One of the
first classes I took was Old Testament, which is where I ended getting my first
Bible. Before entering college, if you told me I would own a Bible I would
laugh in your face. Once I got it, I read all the time. I should have been
studying and do homework, but I do my best stuff when I am supposed to be doing
school work - i.e. learned how to solve the Rubik's cube my first ever finals
week, but hey still got straight A's. At
first, I would only read the Old Testament, since that is what I had to read
for class. I was so intrigued by the devotionals I had to read and write each
week, and all the essays I had to write for the class. That winter break I read
the entire Old Testament, I sketched out time to read every day. I had friends
from back home who wanted to hang out all the time, but I had told that I didn't
have a lot of time to hang and talk since I was always reading the Bible; they
were so confused and asked if I was serious (they seriously thought I was
joking). Once I got back to school, I started to read the New Testament. When I
was down in Florida for the Spring Break trip, I was constantly in the lobby
reading. One of the days, a current brother in Christ of mine and now one of my
best friends in the entire world, Gabe asked me if I wanted to study the Bible
with him. At the moment, I didn't know that this was the moment that would
change my life. We studied every day of the break. At the time, four of my
teammates had been baptized. I thought I was good, since I was already baptized
when I was a baby (shoutout to them Catholic traditions). However, when I read the
Bible, I learned that I had to repent and chose to be baptized, man was I
convicted. It was as if a rug was just ripped out from underneath me. I knew
something had to change. I knew something had to change specially after I
studied and talked about sin with Gabe. Jesus gave up his life for us. He went
through so much pain, agony, and turmoil for us. My life was filled with sin,
but Jesus died for me in order to have my sins forgiven and in order for me to
have an eternal life in heaven. I was saved by the Red Letters. After several
more studies and talking with elders in the church and the pastor of the
church, on April 9, 2017, I was DUNKED.
We are now on year two of my life
with Christ. This is crazy to think about. Jesus has changed my life dramatically,
the way I look at things, the way I look at people, and how I deal with things.
Jesus has given me a way to deal with my depression and anxiety, I have been
able to cast it on him and I have been able to rely on him for all my problems.
Since accepting Jesus into my life, I have been overall a lot happier of a person.
I am able to look at women a lot differently; I have a newfound greater respect
for them. I now see them as more than just women, but daughters of God. Even in
a whole, I have been able to look at people differently, I have a newfound
respect for everyone; I am able to see Jesus in everyone I see.
The first year of having Jesus was full
of fruit. I witnessed so many other people accept Christ into their life. I was
so consistent with my studies. I not only was doing personal Bible Studies; I
was studying with numerous people. I was studying with teammates of mine; I was
studying with people that I usually would not associate myself with before. I
was full of fire. I was constantly in the Bible, learning and studying. There were
times where my human side got in the driver seat, but I was able to bounce back
quickly. I was constantly posting on social media, the verse of the day and
more. I had a solid prayer life; I was always praying and in conversation with my
Father. I created my own Bible-based blog (Truth Behind the Word). I was
constantly posting in it; I was consistently posting and writing. Life was
good.
The second year, I hit the sophomore
slump. I started off good but ended in a drought I hate myself for even getting
myself into. The summer was great, I was studying with one of my teammates from
my summer team, I was spreading and living out the gospel on the team and at work.
I had an extremely successful summer baseball season. During the summer I also
went to my first ever Church conference where I met so many different brothers and
sisters in Christ, all around my age; couple thousand of us to be exact. It was
an experience of a lifetime, something I constantly wish I could go back to. The
fire was real after that, I had so much planned after personally, spiritually, and
with the Church. I planned on baptizing the world and studying with the world, but
that didn’t go as planned. My life, spiritual or not, was extremely up and down
up until 2019, where it went extremely downhill from there (which was crazy,
since I thought 2018 was a bad year for me). My prayer life started to dwindle,
I was overloaded with school work, baseball, and work. Finding time for God was
getting harder and harder; until at times it was nonexistent. I treated God as
just an afterthought and I would only go to him if I needed help or if I was struggling.
I ended up getting a leadership role halfway through the semester and being
able to lead Bible Talks, I was blessed and beyond grateful; but I didn’t hold
to the standards because of the sin I got myself into. In 2019, in the span of
2 days I got fired from my job, lost my uncle, and had to step down from
leading Bible Talks. In December there was an incident at work that caused me
to get in trouble which led to my termination. Two days after receiving that
phone call I had a meeting with my pastor, where he learned about my sin and asked
me to step down from leading Bible Talks. That same day, a couple hours later I
got a phone call from my father telling me that my uncle had passed away. Since
then I have been in and out of dealing with depression, anxiety, and temptations
and struggles of a life that I put on the cross. I was falling on a daily basis,
getting back up, but with one leg and falling back down. I was not standing on
two legs thinking I can handle it, but I could not. I was running away from God
and my responsibilities as a Christian because I didn’t know what to do and how
to deal with it. I have been struggling with my baseball coach, who verbally
abuses me and demeans me on an almost daily basis. Instead of running to God in
these moments, I tied relying on myself and tried to find control in the world.
I have not been having a great season overall and it is not helping me. I have
been exhausted both physically, emotionally, and mentally from everything that
is going on in my life as of recent; at times finding it hard to get out of bed
to do anything. My biggest problem is that I tried to do it on my own, I tried
picking myself up with no help from people in my life and I tried doing it without
God.
This is where I come to you now. 2
years old, and 2 years wiser. I know I can’t this on my own and I had to learn
the hard way. I am constantly in the Word and trying my best to live out the
Word and what it is says. I am young and stupid when it comes to making
mistakes. Yet, these mistakes are only scars, scars to which remind me where,
when, and why I fell. They help me tell a story of what to do and what not to
do. They helped save me and I pray that they help me save others. I am working
on continually creating and thinking devotionals, Bible Talks, and pieces that
will not only bring people to Christ, but for those who have him in their life
to look at him a different way. I have been studying out the Body of Armour, I
plan on releasing two different essays, several devotionals, and art pieces
this year. I pray that this next chapter will be better and full of fruit and
fire, and that I will learn from my mistakes. I pray that God puts the right people
in my life and takes away those that are harmful to me. Whether I am able and
suppose to baptize at least one person, or not; I pray my demeanor, my love and
my life is able to impact people I encounter on a daily basis. I am no way
perfect in any form, and I never will. Jesus died on the cross in order for my
sins to be forgiven, and it is only right to keep moving forward and learn from
my mistakes. This is my second chapter; this is my second cry. God is a God of
second chances and grace; I pray that I run to him and not away. I pray that I remember
that in the times of trouble that God is there with me. Lord pick me up.
Chapter 2: Once In A Dry Season.
Life is
full of struggles. There is going to be ups and downs. We are all human, we are
bound and destined to fail. It does not matter how many times you fall because
everyone falls. It is all about the amount of
times that you get up.
2 Peter
1:3-8 says, "For this
very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness,
knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control,
perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection,
love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep
you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord
Jesus Christ."
- The only way that we can persevere is to struggle.
By the end of 2019, I plan on releasing numerous
Spoken Words and essays (Promised Land, Once In A Dry Season, Scars, and
more…).
#LetsBeAMovement
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